Archive for February 28th, 2008

Note: the following is a selfish rant, covering all means of topics including but not limited to: intestines, finances, and my husband. I am fairly sure I have never ranted about these before, nor will I again.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve had a little difficulty managing stress. (This is where people who know me in real life choke on their coffee and spray the computer monitor. That’s like hearing the Pope dabbles in Catholicism, that Martha Stewart’s hobby is crafts, or that Reagan had a hard time remembering things. Yes, Alzheimer’s jokes. I laugh to keep from screaming.) The stress was tolerable in high school and early college, I met Tom and my stress went up, I married Tom and my stress went up, I had A and my stress went way up, I had J and my stress went up, and 2007 popped me out of the red zone of stress and into “Holy Crap! She’s gonna blow!!!” When I was in grad school and the university was auditioning a new flute professor, one of the applicants (who did get the gig and I studied with her for a year and she was awesome), who I had just met, listened to me play, and flat-out told me I was too stressed out, should go get smashed, and practice like that for awhile. Yeah, apparently I am that uptight.

And it’s not as though I haven’t tried. I have tried to manage my stress. I don’t know what the heck I’m doing wrong. How do you manage something that is beyond your control? (story.of.my.life.) I was doing yoga for awhile and loved it; but being gone from the house right at bedtime was causing more stress. I try to get away, but then something comes up and I have to stay home. I’m getting a wee bit resentful.

It is starting to take a toll on my health. I’ve been having stomach problems since September. Nothing debilitating, just chronically painful. In the last couple of weeks, in an attempt to not rip out my fricking stomach lining and stomp on it, I’ve given up caffeine, dairy, and artificial sweeteners. That’s helped a little, but hasn’t done much for my mood. I haven’t had coffee or a coke in almost 2 weeks. I had an appointment with a GI specialist yesterday. Holy Heck, it was like conversing with a man who’d been sucking on a lemon with a red hot poker up his butt. So Dr. PokerButt (well. that’s gonna bring out the interesting google searches!) ordered some more tests, but said it sounded like Irritable Bowel Syndrome. Yeah, the one that is brought on by extreme stress. Great, just great.

In the meantime, I have a husband who has been traveling considerably more than usual, kids who are acting out because dad has been traveling considerably more than usual, stomach problems, goals I’m trying to reach but it’s almost impossible because I’m flying solo so much, dealing with the suckage that is February (thank GOD it’s almost over), a three year old who is literally attached to my hip if I’m not entertaining him or if he’s not plugged into the computer, juggling finances (oh, I’m so pissed off about gas going yet higher and my utility bills-what else can I turn off?-going higher, andandand…), and just crabbiness because I feel more like a business partner than a wife lately. Not doing much for my mood. That little post earlier in the week about Left Brain sticking Right Brain in the closet…yeah…somehow I’ve become a Human Doing, rather than a Human Being, and I don’t like it. My stomach lining isn’t too fond of it, either.

No, we don’t have family nearby. No, I’m not hiring a housekeeper, it would just be another expense. No, I can’t get a sitter, $7/hour is high and we use it for truly special occasions. No, I can’t ask a friend to take my kids for an evening or day or weekend. They have their own lives and I’ve tried; our schedules don’t match up. Yes, I have tried turning on a movie for the boys; it works until they start arguing over who is sitting on whose side of the couch. Yes, I do throw them outside when the weather is pleasant; it works until they start throwing rocks down the gutters, causing a dam when it rains. No, I can’t go to the bathroom by myself, thanks for asking. It’s no wonder I can’t get out of bed in the morning. It’s the only time of day when I am completely alone, no one is hanging on me, no one is fighting around me, I’m warm, nothing has happened to piss me off…too bad it’s only 20 minutes long.

So I am going to place better limits on what is in my life. It may mean giving up this blog, which I truly do not want to do. I am going to set up a Good, Better, Best list (I got this idea from Oh My Stinkin’ Heck a few days ago) and follow through with it. There’s a lot going on that I can’t control, but I can better control my reactions to it all.

And now I must go play “Play with me Mommy! {I am playing with you, quit asking!}” with a three year old before he explodes.

end rant