Archive for May 20th, 2008

Dear Idiots Who Think Farting Around With TSA is Entertaining,

Traveling by air used to be fun. It used to be exciting, exotic, an event. You’d jump through the security hoops, get on your plane, and have a meal. A real meal. Like pancakes and sausage and orange juice. With a full-sized napkin. I remember those days and they were not that long ago. We’d joke about the food because, frankly, it wasn’t that good. But it was still a meal. On a plane. And it was exciting.

And then things changed. Traveling by air was no longer fun.

Saturday I flew from Denver to St. Louis to visit my friend Kate, who had a sweet little boy five weeks ago (and dang it, she had to go a day over, or her son and A would have shared a birthday seven years apart).

I’m grateful I had an awesome pedicure, for I got to show off my tootsies at security. I just hope to hell I don’t get some weird-ass fungus from walking barefoot.

I’m grateful I was traveling solo and didn’t have to wrestle the boys through security. I’m doubly grateful the boys are past the stroller/carseat for the airplane stage. Oh, thank you Lord, we’re past that stage.

I’m grateful I can now cancel my annual exam, ‘cause I’m pretty sure the cavity search would have caught something, and the patdown took care of the girls.

This is what traveling has become. I understand the need for safety, but can we please keep our shoes on, for crying out loud? Is it really necessary to drag a sleeping infant out of the carseat/stroller and carry him straight in front of you through the x-ray (really had to do this once; I was less than happy and A even less so)? Do we really have to hold our breath through security, praying nothing beeps so we can just get through and get on the plane and just get the hell out of that insanity?

When will common sense rule again? Ever?

My “meal” on the plane consisted of a single glass of spicy tomato juice. I could have purchased snacks, if I so desired. The entertainment was the travel map on the screen in front of me; I had no desire to purchase DirecTv viewing for the flight. There weren’t even music channels.

My seat, for all 5’11” of me, was a center seat. Somehow, when I booked my flight, my request for an aisle seat got lost in the ether. Changing it at the airport was futile, as it was a computerized self-serve check-in kiosk.

And this was a good day of traveling. No storms, no delays, no computer glitches to throw everything out of whack.

This is why we’re staying home this year instead of traveling. We may not even make it back to our parents’ houses for the holidays. Air tickets are so expensive, traveling is anything but convenient, and it’s too expensive and time-consuming to drive. Makes me sad. I have actually thought about throwing the boys on Amtrak for a trip to Chicago; may need to look into that a bit more.

So, Idiots Who Think Farting Around With TSA is Entertaining, this is what you have wrought. I just hope, the next time you fly, you’re the one getting the full body cavity search. It’s the least I can hope for.

Love and kisses,

Jen