Archive for April, 2009

I have a guest post over at Mom to the Screaming Masses, while Carmen is enjoying a much needed break in Mexico. Lucky woman. I’m being held hostage to my husband’s tv surfing (just sat through Superbad, now it’s Caddyshack); I’d much rather be somewhere warm and sunny. Ah, wait…I turned on the electric blanket when I tucked the boys into bed. Warm indeed.

Overheard at bathtime…

A: Dad! I know what what my pen!$ is made out of! When it’s soft, it’s made of cartilage. And sometimes it gets hard like a bone and it’s made of bone.

Me out in the hallway: (gasping for air, in silent hysterics)

Tom: Um, that not entirely right. (looks to me for help, I wave him off, he’s on his own) Uh…it’s not made or cartilage or bone.

A: Yes it is! I’m a scientist, I know everything.

Me out in the hallway: (oh sweet Jesus, wheeze…)

Tom: Your pen!$ is made of a spongy tissue that fills with blood and fluids and gets hard sometimes.

A: Naw…And hey, what are these two ball things underneath it?

Me out in the hallway: (rocking, tears pouring down my face)

Tom (looking to me for help, again I wave him off): Those are your testicles.

A: Testicles! Ha ha!

J: Testitles! (giggle)

I’ll teach ‘em to drive, but Tom is going to have to cover the anatomy and physiology lessons. Ya never want a woman laughing at you, least of all your mom.

Cheers: the expected blizzard had a midnight hookup with a dry weather pattern and instead of a foot of snow we got maybe two inches.

Jeers: It’s still colder’n a witches tit in a brass bra with strong winds.

Cheers: It’s Saturday and my darling husband is not working.

Jeers: I woke up this morning with another <heavy profanity> sore throat and swollen glands. Really, universe, you’re pissing me off.

Cheers: Spring break will be over in slightly under 48 hours.

Jeers: There is not a single freaking thing bad with that statement.

Cheers: My darling husband is making dinner tonight.

Jeers: There is not a single freaking thing bad with that statement.

Cheers: Someone Stumbled my hot dog post and I got a bunch of traffic.

Jeers: This did not result in a ticker-tape parade, a gold medal, or getting me out of vacuuming today.

Cheers: I am getting the hell outta dodge in 19 days for my twice-yearly scrapbooking retreat with the craziest four women I know.

Jeers: I actually have to prepare for this or I’ll be dragging an entire room of my house up the mountain for four days. Again.

Cheers: Spring break will be over in slightly under 48 hours.

Jeers: Summer break starts in six weeks.

Cheers: There will always be something to write about in this house.

Jeers: And there is not a single freaking thing bad with that statement.

I’m from Chicago and I take my hot dogs seriously. None of this tofu/turkey/healthy dog crap. It’s gotta be 100% beef, no fillers, with a casing that snaps. You can’t get Vienna Beef dogs out here in Colorado (at least I can’t find any), so Hebrew National is the next best bet. Poppy seed buns are also tough to find, so I make do. But I do not put ketchup on my dogs. According to Chicago hot dog law, A has another two weeks to enjoy ketchup on his hot dog, then he’s outta luck, it’s mustard or nothing. J has another three years to enjoy that abomination.

But I don’t think J is going to go along with the “mustard ONLY” decree in this house. He has his own thoughts on what should go on a dog:

Mommy! The grapes can cool off my hot dog!

It may have been the wine earlier tonight, but I found this post “spit wine on the laptop” funny. It’s prom season (holy crap I’m glad I have boys) and the dresses are on display. Enjoy this post from Craftastrophe. And then look back at your prom pics and realize that crinoline is not the worst thing to happen to a dress.

So after getting coerced into doing the 30 Day Shred last week by three lovely bloggers, I actually followed through and bought the DVD. Cross my heart I was going to start immediately, but this nagging hacking cough lingered and I had to wait. Finally, yesterday I laced up my pink sneakers, pulled on the sports bra (why do I bother? For realz…sigh…), and headed into the basement to be yelled at by a video.

And discovered that the tv in the basement has a short in the DVD port. Can’t watch DVDs in the basement. Can’t do exercise DVDs in the basement. Yes, could do exercise DVDs upstairs, but I’m pretty sure the 30 Day Shred is tough enough without dancing around a dog that wants a belly rub and leaping over the random small toys strewn about the house.

I went Fit. Wii Fit. After being yelled chastised by the animated balance board (yeah, you’re looking a little thick around the middle there, too, Mr. Balance Board!), off we went. I love using the Wii Fit; I forget I’m exercising. For someone who hates running, I find it hysterical that I love the running part of the program. I get lost in the onscreen animation and scenery and before I know it, I’m done. Today (yes, I did two days in a row! Prepare for hell to officially freeze over!) I did the super-holy-God-how-long-is-this long run. And loved it. But my favorite part of the program is the rhythm boxing. I love it! I get to box all my frustrations out, smacking an anthropomorphic punching bag. It’s all fun.

And I’m sore as hell today. Two days in a row…I’m in worse shape than I thought. But I’ll keep sneaking it into my day and hopefully I’ll work my way past Couch Potato to maybe Office Chair Tater Tot. One can hope.

As for the new tv…uh-huh…I need a better reason than an exercise DVD to go buy a new screen. I have a balance board to yell at me for now.

Halfway through Spring Break and I’m still sane and sober. It’s a good thing. We’re hitting the movies today, just in time for the thunder snow predicted. Yes. Thunder and snow, welcome to spring in Colorado. First time I heard it I thought I was hallucinating.

There will be no April Fools post today. Nothing about me being pregnant (sweet Jesus, no!), or moving, or leaving it all behind to live in Bali (though I have fantasized about that). Instead I’ll repost my April Fools post of three years ago (and will repost until the end of time…mainly because I’m lazy that way), where I sing to the heavens my deep down hatred of April Fools pranks. I was the inadvertent victim of a nasty prank ten years ago, when I was a grad student at the University of Colorado. Wow. Can’t believe it’s been ten years. Time flies when you’re birthin’ babies.

Why Jen absolutely HATES April Fools Day.

Be nice to people today. No pranks. Do the opposite. Pay for the coffee of the person behind you in line. Watch a newborn for an hour so the new mom can shower for the first time in days. Take your kids to the movies. Make April Fools Day a positive thing, instead of screwing with someone with pranks. Life’s too short to be mean in the guise of being funny.