Archive for July, 2009

Somehow this week I ran across Dear So and So, and it fits for today.

Dear Mother Nature: If you insist on 60 degree temps and rain in July, then you’d damned well better pony up some 60 degree temps and sun in February.

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Dear Denver Post: I canceled my daily subscription several days ago and yet there is still a paper on my lawn every morning. Wanna know why newspapers are a dying breed? Because you are giving me something I don’t want and am not paying for.

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Dear Yellow Pages: Ever hear of that newfangled thing, the Internets? It’s awesome…I can get addresses and phone numbers on it. Ads, too. Stop delivering a new phone book every couple of months, I don’t need it, I don’t want it, and I’ve requested several times that you stop.

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Dear uterus: I know you wield great power; I was there when those squalling sons of mine came tearing out of the vajayjay, courtesy of your strength. But with great power comes great responsibility. If you don’t knock off the god-damned display of strength and power every month, I’m going to rip you out with my bare hands and feed you to the neighborhood coyotes.

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Dear stiff neck: Really? Are you in cahoots with the uterus? Knock it the hell off.

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Dear Verizon Wireless, you have six weeks to offer the Apple iPhone 3Gs before I jump ship. No, the Blackberry Storm isn’t the same; I know it isn’t, you know it isn’t, market share knows it isn’t. September 12th I get my iPhone. You offer it before then, I’ll stay with you. Otherwise, sayonara.

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Dear medical profession, part one: For the love of all things holy, figure out WTF is wrong with my son’s digestive system. Don’t keep shuttling us from one doctor to another. It’s been eight years and he’s still stopped up like a bad sewer. Roto Rooter refuses to work on kids, I’ve called.  Homeopathy is working to a point, but then you order an x-ray and we see that it’s not working enough. Don’t then freak me the hell out, ordering us to yet another specialist, with instructions to effin’ finally get him evaluated for Hirschprung’s. And while you’re at it, can we figure out the whole ADHD thing? Oh, and when I call today to get the results of Tuesday’s blood test, have a freaking answer for me. Kindly do NOT freak me the hell out again and direct us to yet another specialist. His medical records have already killed a small forest, and our insurance company is going to notice us soon. I do not want us “noticed.”

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Dear medical profession, part two: Hi. Remember me? The one who keeps calling to find out why she’s so exhausted, keeps gaining weight (the clothes I bought at the beginning of the summer are getting too small), is depressed/cranky/anxious, and is convinced her thyroid is borked despite her numbers being “normal?” Care to return my effing calls? Should my son and I look into getting a 2 for 1 at the Mayo Clinic? Don’t make me go all postal. And I’m so nice, I’d go postal not on you, but on me, and frankly, my liver just can’t handle that level of tequila.

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Dear medical profession, part three: Thank you for catching Tom’s case of shingles on Monday, before he was contagious. My immune system is pissed at me and I had chicken pox so badly as a child that shingles would take me downdowndown. He’s doing much better now.

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Dear skin: I am not 13. I am not 45. Please knock off the blemishes and wrinkles. You’re not funny. Give me a couple of years of decent skin. I ask not much.

1. Legalize marijuana.
2. Tax the holy hell out of it.
3. Cover everything.

Discuss.

I did this:

Jen at Waikiki beach overlook

And this:

Pearl Harbor

This too:

At the top of Diamond Head

Some of this:

Garlic Shrimp from Giovanni's Shrimp Truck

A little of this:

Out on the catamaran

And, ohhhh, some of this:

My new happy place

Yes, hand to God, it was a business trip. And Tom and I enjoyed every.single.minute of it.

My dear friend Denise, who lives mere minutes from me and is actually friends of friends related but I met her bloggy-wise…deep breath…passed along this lil piece of bling:

The Honest Scrap award is given by other bloggers who consider a blog’s content or design to be brilliant. The awardees must then post ten honest things about themselves and pass the award on to other bloggers who fit the bill – in other words, whose blog is brilliant.

1. Although I shouldn’t, I feel kinda guilty about accompanying Tom on this business trip to Hawaii. It’s really and truly a business trip, and it’s not costing us a cent to go. Well, except for paying for legroom. I’m damned tall, and a 7 hour flight in the sardines section made me lightheaded. LOL! So that extra four inches in economy plus is well worth every cent.
2. I should be packing for my trip right now.
3. I’m considering taking some auditions this fall. I just heard of an open 2nd flute position in a local orchestra. That’s the good news. The bad news is that the maestro is the dude who dumped me from the orchestra I was to play in this spring.
4. If I don’t get a chair somewhere I’m going to find some other musicians and start some chamber groups. I miss playing.
5. School starts one.month.from.today. Totally excited and not ashamed of it.
6. I’m doing a neighbor/stranger a favor and saving boxes for her (she’s moving). They’ve been sitting in my living room all weekend, and I’ve been waiting for her to show up. I don’t have a phone number, just an email for her. She has until tomorrow night, then my folks can break them down and drag them to the curb for Tuesday’s recycling pickup. If I had a stranger saving me boxes I’d haul ass to get them. Grrr…
7. I’m actively working on balance and productivity in my spare time. I think that’s the secret for me to not losing my mind.
8. I think I broke my scale. At least, it whimpered when I got on it the other day.
9. I’m taking something like 8 books on this trip. It’s likely I’ll only read one, if any. Optimism reigns supreme!
10. I’ve always wanted to learn to surf. This trip may be my best and only hope before I get too old, too rickety, or too freaked out to try. I really hope I get a chance. If I had to choose between surfing and snorkeling, it’s surfing all the way. So I can say I did it.

And now I shall pass this along to some friendly bloggers who I feel deserve it.

Tiffani is another blogger I discovered lives locally and I’ve actually met. She has true Out Of The Box thinkers as children and is a delight to read. I truly feel less alone after reading her posts.

Dawn is about the most honest blogger I’ve ever met. ‘Nuff said.

Theresa is back, and I couldn’t be more happy. She’s the first blog I ever commented on, and she replied to me, which just sent me over the moon and is why I reply to 99% of my comments.

Christina is another “lay it out there” blogger. I’ve met her, too, and can’t wait to go for wine next time I’m in Chicago. I adore her and her strength.

And now I’m off to pack and bed. Play nice!

Wha? It’s Friday already? Huh? That can’t be right…crap. Oh, hang on…I have to go find a broom. Gotta sweep up all the brain bits that are scattered all over the floor, at least the ones the dog hasn’t eaten yet.

{whistle while you work}

Ok, a nice lil’ pile of brain bits. Shall we pick through them? If we’re lucky, there will be more bits than lint and dog hair, but no promises.

• Pandora radio is my new BFF. I type in a piece or performer I like, and I get all sorts of awesome music in the same style. I have several stations in a wide variety of genres (bluegrass, folk, classical, new age), but I’d love some new suggestions. Who/what do you like and why?
• My folks are coming tomorrow and the house is a sty. Guess what I get to do today while the boys are at camp?
• When is the absolute best time to discover you’re at your highest weight ever? If you said three days before you go to Hawaii with your husband (it’s a business trip, cross my heart), you’re right!
• It’s finally starting to dry out and get warm, after an extremely moist spring and early summer. I’ve never seen it this green this late into the summer. Great for fire prevention, but my garden was pissed. I’m actually getting tomatoes now, and the chives and mint may be preparing for a violent coup.
• My current favorite quote: “Happiness is the consequence of personal effort”–Elizabeth Gilbert
• Favorite search terms this week: “karma payback is a bitch yahoo” (o-kay then); “divorce final, should i change locks out” (yeah, you really should); “how to complain about a doctor’s office” (two ways: loudly and with the chance the police will be called, or just leave and blog about it later); “an instument never seen in a marching band (that could be anything, but my money’s on anything seen in the front of an orchestra, anything with a double reed, or anything with bellows); “political things to ponder over” (pick one, there are plenty. I recommend starting with working mothers: Moms Rising. You want society to be successful? Support moms. We’re raising the next generation and working to support ourselves and the previous generation.)
• A few nights ago Tom heard a whump against the side of the house. He went outside to investigate and discovered a red-tailed hawk sitting on our satellite dish, making an evening snack of the baby robins in the nest up there. Mama and Papa robin were on the next house, making an unholy racket. All I could think was, hey, birds, you left your babies there! Aren’t you supposed to sacrifice yourself for your babies? Tom couldn’t do anything ’cause he couldn’t reach the dish and was hesitant to throw anything up there, for he’d likely damage the dish, and wouldn’t that be an interesting service call?
• I’ve started buying school supplies and I couldn’t be happier. One month and two days to go. They’ve been out for two months and two days. Yes, I count.
• I bought my own domain recently and am working on a design with an extremely patient designer. The new place will be awesome.
• If I make it to mid-September before breaking down and getting an iPhone, it’ll be a miracle. I just need to stay away from the Apple store and I should be fine.

And the rest is crumbs from breakfast, belly-button lint, and dog hair. Have a great weekend!

Tom and I celebrated 13 years of marriage last week, and have been together for almost 16. It hasn’t all been sunshine and roses and unicorns farting rainbows, oh no. Far from it. There have been roses, but also a lot of storms and I have yet to see a unicorn, rainbow-farting or otherwise. I’d say we have a pretty good marriage.

Something I’ve never done here, in the 3 1/2 years I’ve written this blog, is vamp on my marriage. I complain about my children, I whine about my life, but I’ve only ever spoken positively of my marriage, if at all. I’m pretty sure this post will be my first, last, and only reflection on my marriage, for two reasons. One, I owe it to Tom to not air it all and two, if I start, I may never stop.

I know how lucky I am, with the situation we are in. Tom works from home and makes good money. He can be a responsible adult presence if I need to leave one or both of the boys here while he’s working. He knows if I’ve had a good day or a bad one. Compared to his previous profession (high school band director), he’s actually home evenings and weekends, and irate parents don’t call at night.

But.

After J was born five years ago I made the difficult decision to give up my remaining flute students and become a completely Stay At Home Mom. And with that decision went the last poof of the girl Tom married. When we first met, I was a very driven musician, practicing a lot to reach goals I wanted to hit. I was taking auditions for military bands and was being accepted (for many reasons I decided to let those go). I was successful and have recordings to prove it, if only to myself. Then, gradually, that person disappeared. Decisions that had to be made for the good of both of us, then for the good of the family when the boys arrived, gradually chipped away at Musician Jen. That last decision, to give up flute teaching, finally erased that last little bit.

I threw myself into raising the boys and managing the household. A challenging job for anyone…add in a twice-exceptional son and a son who is challenging to understand and a husband who is unable to manage stress well and a wife/mom who absorbs all the emotional detritus…well, we just put the fun in dysfunctional! My mad organizational skillz rose to the challenge and kept everything going.

It hasn’t always been easy. It hasn’t always been fun. It’s hardly been worthwhile some days. I gave up a career for myself to raise my boys and support Tom as he grew more successful. And in the process I became more of a business partner than a wife, a whip-snapping shrew more than a mom, and lost a lot of myself in the process. The guilt of being “just a mom” and not bringing in a paycheck, of feeling “beholden” to my husband, of not getting everything done that needs to be done because I’m home and it should be possible…it’s almost overwhelming some days. These are things I’ve been working on and making progress. With the boys in school this year, I hope to make even more progress.

I love my husband. Deeply. And while I know I couldn’t possibly be happier with or more loved by anyone else, I have fantasized about picking up and getting the hell out. I’m sure most women have. Maybe it’s because he works from home and I.am.never.alone.in.the.house or maybe it’s because we are so very much alike or maybe it’s just because I just can’t handle his pinned-in-the-red-zone-level of stress on top of my oldest having an anxiety meltdown while his brother whines he’s hungry as the dog has another seizure. Probably a bit of all of that.

The girl Tom married is long gone. In her place is a strong woman turning the next page of her life story and wanting more from the next page than the previous pages have given her.

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This semi-psychotic rant brought to you by What happened to the girl I married? by Michael Miller, Silicon Valley Moms Blog July book club selection. It’s a quick read, and I suggest sticking it in your husband’s reading pile after you’re done. Underlined passages are up to you.

Two years ago I wrote a few words on Everything you wanted to know about low thyroid but didn’t know to ask. I reread it this morning, slumped over my computer, eyes at half-mast. I have felt like crap for roughly the last month (Tom says longer), and have been waiting for the results of last week’s blood draw to see if my thyroid levels are off.

The doctor’s office finally called a few minutes ago. My numbers are normal.

Really? The poor woman on the phone got an earful, including my current symptoms, and will call back. Probably next week, when I won’t be here.

I am so tired I am tired of myself. I slept for 9 hours last night (NINE!) and still had to physically drag myself out of bed this morning. I start to drive, and I want to face-plant onto the steering wheel. My patience is at record lows, my body feels like lead, and I’m at the highest weight I’ve ever been without a being inside me.

I hate myself like this. Hate.

There is so much I want to do with my life, I need energy to do it all, and fighting against my own body isn’t helping. I don’t know what’s wrong, am sick of searching, and am too tired to figure it out.

I went through my most recent posts just now and noticed a bit of a theme. Tired. Oh-so-tired. Not many posts, but nearly all mention my ongoing exhaustion. For longer than I realized. Hm. I think I might be tired, which is why I haven’t posted as much as I’d like. By the time I finally get to writing, I’m so wiped that I just turn off the computer and crash….something that hasn’t happened in quite awhile. Hopefully I’ll get answers soon.

Now, hoping that a whole lot of crazy doesn’t come spilling out, a post of confessions.

• Apparently my WTF exhaustion has made  my brain stupid. I received a notice from our insurance company that the policies for both of our cars had been canceled and I kinda sorta freaked out. Swung by the office to figure out what had happened and to pay the premiums. Duh. I misread the notice. Premiums are due next week.
• We have a large hole under our front (cement) porch. We have a bunny problem. We noticed aforementioned bunnies hiding in the aforementioned hole. I am thinking of borrowing my neighbor’s power washer and clear out the bunny hutch. Please don’t call PETA.
• A had an appointment with his ADHD doc this morning (hooboy that’s a post in and of itself). Getting back into the MomVan I couldn’t find my cellphone. After tearing apart my car, my purse, and my increasingly foggy brain, I walked around to the driver’s side…to find my cellphone on the ground. I was sadly disappointed that a side trip to the Apple store for a new toy was not to be. And…now my phone has just slipped between the couch cushions all the way to the floor and I can’t reach it. Shucky-darn.
• NASA, I’m so sorry the shuttle launch has been delayed five times now. I know it’s because we had tix for the original launch date AND we’re Cubs fans. I’m so sorry.
• Some friends of ours (with guidance from a favorite teacher) from A’s former school are starting a Core Knowledge charter school in a nearby district. Like…across the highway nearby. I’m keeping my eye on it. While I like his current school, I love the Core Knowledge curriculum and the fact that classes would be smaller. And would go through high school.
• I missed a conference call last week because I can’t figure out time zones. I then added a time zone clock to my Vista sidebar and I’m now easily distracted by it. Hey! Something shiny!
• After a great deal of consideration, deep thought, and mental wrangling…I have to confess that I really hated the series finale of Battlestar Galactica.

One final confession. If I don’t get the results of my blood draw for Ye Olde Thyroide tomorrow, I will lose my mind. What’s left of it.

Ahhh….Friday…let’s Fragment.

• I have been knock-down, drag-out exhausted lately, for about the last week or so (Tom thinks it’s been longer). I either ate something with hidden gluten and it’s kicking me in the teeth, or my thyroid is frakking with me. I had the blood draw yesterday to see if Ye Olde Thyroid is pissed off. I really hope it is, I’m sick of being this wiped.
• I BIG PUFFY HEART summer camp. The boys have been gone all day, all week and it’s been delicious. I love my children to the ends of the earth and back, but we just can’t be on top of each other all day every day.
• My hips hurt (yes, it’s a whiny Friday Fragments). Possible reasons include the 2 hour yoga class yesterday (miracle I made it, as I was cross-eyed tired), the 20 pounds I could stand to lose, or just getting older. I suspect it’s all three, combined with me sitting cross-legged at any chance. Gotta keep my feet warm somehow!
• Something is dragging Princess the PMSing Laptop down. Her CD/DVD drive is officially not working (and I’m not going to fix it, either), and now she…is…working…so…slow. Yeah, I have seven windows open, and nine tabs active in Firefox. But she’s slower’n molasses in January if I have everything closed down, too. Prissy bitch.
• While having the boys in summer camp this week has been wonderful, there have been issues. On Monday, when I picked up J, A ran smack into a puddle of water on the floor and cracked his head on the cement floor. On Tuesday, J had a pinched finger and was cuddling an ice pack. On Wednesday, A got hit in the face by a frisbee, got a bloody nose, and had to be talked down off the anxiety ledge. On Thursday, wait…nothing of note. Whew. But there is still today, and the day is still young.
• Search terms this week: lots of interest in kids’ blogging sites…and nothing else of interest. Kinda disappointed.
• Finally, if anyone sees my summer, please let me know where I can pick it up.

Well, we’ve been home for a couple of weeks now and I think I may be caught up. And if not, I can deal. But I have this one little note in my planner, mocking me, gloating that I have this one last thing: a post about the trip. No, not a “first we did this, then we did this, and then this happened” post, but things that ran through my mind while we were there. Things I wish I had known beforehand, or want to share with others. And what’s a better way to share than with a bullet post! Woot!

• As a nation, we are big. Really big. I realize Colorado is the fittest state in the nation, but dang. We’re big.
• Tattoos are in this year. Of special note are the full arm in color and the lower leg. Coming in close behind is the full chest tat. On a woman.
• If you’re going in June, be warned that it’s hot. Holy hot. Hotitty hottity hot. The first day I sweat through my clothes. At one point I looked down and thought I had wet my pants. No, I had sweat through my shorts. Then I wised up and put deodorant under the arms, between the thighs, and under the bra. Voila! Less sweat. Marginally less, but less. Consider this my tip to you.
• If you’re looking for quiet spots to rest and take it easy in the middle of the afternoon (or to calm an overloaded child), I have a couple. In the Magic Kingdom, take the ferry to Tom Sawyer’s Island. Walk around to the back where Aunt Polly’s porch is. It’s shaded, it’s cool(er), and as long as you don’t mind the bluegrass twanging from the speakers, it’s a good place to relax. In Epcot there’s a shady spot in World Showcase next to Germany, grass and everything. In Animal Kingdom there are paths less traveled that are shady and cool, but I’m not terribly familiar with the park, so you’re on your own. And I’m drawing a blank on Hollywood Studios. Sorry.
• Learn from me, my children. Don’t go in June unless you’re accustomed to extreme heat and humidity. The boys were real troopers, but it about killed us.
• If you have a food allergy, this is the place to travel. When we made our dining reservations we let them know that we had one person with a gluten allergy (that would be me) and two with a dairy allergy (A and my dad). At every single restaurant we went to, the host/hostess noted the allergies, the waitstaff noted the allergies, and the chef came out to discuss the menu with us. Not once did the chef say “you can’t have that,” which is my NUMBER ONE pet peeve about eating out with a gluten issue. I know damn well that I can’t have it, please don’t treat me like I’m five and use those words. Instead, we asked about the meals we were interested in, and the chef would say something like, “yes, that’d be safe.” Big Difference. Of special note were the restaurants Teppan Edo (the head chef not only assured me that what I was interested in was safe, but another woman came out with the ingredient lists for their sauces AND brought me gluten-free soy sauce in the original bottle so I could see the ingredients, and the grill chef–this was a Benihana type restaurant–made sure the gluten-free preparation was made separately), the Biergarten in Germany (the chef walked me through the buffet to discuss what would be safe AND brought plates of food that had different preparations–like no bread crumbs–AND brought a baggie of gluten-free/dairy-free desserts for us to take with us because there was nothing on the buffet), and the Liberty Tree Tavern (the food is served family-style, and the chef brought out separate plates of food to avoid cross-contamination). I had heard Disney World was a great place to eat with food allergies, but I was blown away by the care and consideration from every single person we dealt with.
• Dear Man Who Watched J Puke: You, sir, are a prick. A selfish prick. You saw me trying to deal with a vomiting child, with another child freaking the hell out, all alone, and you did nothing but make a face and sit there. You, sir, sat there with your daughter, a daughter who was old enough to have helped out, and did nothing. A huge thank you to the older couple who got me water and wet paper towels, and to the single woman who got me another bottle of water. Good karma will come your way. You, idiot man who was so grossed out by a little boy throwing up, bad karma in the form of H1N1 will be coming your way this fall.

And there we go, my quick and dirty tips for Disney World with young kids. There are more, but I can’t give away all my secrets. Beyond these few tidbits, my last little bit is that I will never go in June again amen.