Archive for October 30th, 2009

Dear Mother Nature,

Are you feeling better after your little hissy fit? Eighteen inches in a 36 hour period shows, after it was 85 ten days ago shows true cajones. So nice of you to let the sun out to play this afternoon. Just, Ma, please recall what I said this summer: if you’re going to give us 65 and rainy in July (which you did, you psycho bitch), you’d better pony up 65 and sunny in February.

Smootches,

Jen

*********************************************************************

Dear Rosie,

You are the greatest dog in the history of dogdom. But you could knock off the shedding already? The carpets need shaving. According to Ma Nature, it’s winter and you’re going to need all that fur to keep you warm. I mean, you poor thing, you went out the last couple of days and discovered that the snow went up past your short little legs. Low undercarriage, you know. I know vacuuming more often than once a month would probably help, but the vacuum is terrible. It was terrible before you came home with us last year, and now it’s really pissy that I make it work harder. So help me out and hang on to the hair. You’re getting a pedicure and bath tomorrow, that’ll make it ok, right?

Love,

Mama Jen

**********************************************************************

Dear Vacuum,

Bugger off. You suck when you shouldn’t and don’t when you should. I hate you.

Jonesing for a Dyson Animal vacuum,

Jen

***********************************************************************

Dear husband of mine,

I love you. We’ve been together for 16 years this month, married for a little more that 13. But right now? The stress pinned in the red zone and actually straining to move past it…sigh…is alimony cheaper or an office outside the house? Think about it…or I may smother you in your sleep and decide for you.

Fluffing my pillow,

Jen

************************************************************************

Dear Howard the Headache,

Yes, you’ve been irritating me all day. Yes, I took you to two elementary school Halloween parties today. And, yes, I’ve been sending ibuprofin your way all day. But, really, the bungee jumping from base of my skull into my shoulder blades is a bit much, even for you. Piss off.

Searching for the acupressure point,

Jen

************************************************************************

Dear Halloween,

I am wearing a costume. I am myself in an alternate universe. What you see is based on your reality, not mine.

Hand over the peanut butter cups and no one gets hurt,

Jen…or is it?