I DON’T brag about my gifted kid
Good God, here we go again. And I thought it was going to be a quiet evening, just me and a glass of wine and the dog and doing a little writing on my book. But it’s amazing how fast I can go zero to WTF when I read something so breathtakingly ignorant that it’s like standing on the surface of the moon with a rutabaga.
This time it was a blog post over on Babycenter, titled I hate hearing about your gifted child. For starters, hate is a strong word. Save it for things like puppy mills and TSA patdowns and racial intolerance. Words have power, you don’t need to use it there.
So, we’re going to start from the beginning. Again. And again and again and GODDAMMIT AGAIN until people get it through their heads. GIFTED.IS.WIRING. It is who a person is, not what a person accomplishes. And I do not know a single parent of a gifted kid who unabashedly brags about his or her child. Because parents of gifted kids, not high-achieving kids, know how oh-my-effing-God exhausting these kids are. They don’t expend the energy bragging, they’re using that energy to try to stay one step ahead of their kid.
I laugh about using “code words” when talking to other parents. The magenta frogs whistles at midday under the dry umbrella. I may joke about it, but I’m one hundred percent serious. I do not talk about my twice-exceptional son unless the other parent has also dropped code words about his/her gifted kid. And I couldn’t begin to tell you what those words are, they are just there. And when we find each other, it’s like a two-person support group. The feeling of safety is immeasurable. That person gets it. We can share the joys and the frustrations and the achievements and the struggles. No code words, no discussion about my gifted kid. I don’t need the unspoken judgment from other parents. I have enough to deal with.
Starting from the very first playgroups I attended with A, I knew something was up. He couldn’t have been more than a year, but he was different. The other kids would be playing nicely with toys; he’d be inspecting the safety gate and get around it. I thought about hiring him out to new parents to check their childproofing. He once got his head stuck in a banister (yeah, gifted kid…sigh) because the stairway was blocked off and he was curious-ALWAYS curious- about what was beyond it. At 3 he was putting brand-new floor puzzles together in minutes. With the picture facing the floor. And I never bragged to the other parents about what he could do.
The author of this article brags about how kind her daughter is. Well, that’s parenting. Probably some inherent gentleness, but that’s mostly parenting. I could no more parent giftedness into my son than parent his blue eyes brown. He came to us with stunning blue eyes and some wacked out gifted wiring. But I bet she’ll brag about parent-teacher conferences. I can’t and I don’t. Because as gifted as my son is, conferences were a nightmare from third grade on. I see friends on Facebook brag about their kids’ conferences, about report cards, and heartbroken, I know it’ll never happen here. Because if there’s anything that describes twice-exceptional, it’s “gifted but.”
It’s hard enough being a parent. But shit like this makes being the parent of a gifted/2e kid even harder. It just reinforces the societal stereotype that gifted is elitism, or only high-achieving, or the perfect kid at all times. My kid is hard. Damned fucking hard. And I know we’ve been accused of being too lenient with him and too tough on him and are you sure he needs those meds and does he really need the gluten-free/dairy-free diet. We are doing the best we can, with what we have, when we have it. Live in my shoes, see what I see, know what I know, live what I live, THEN you may comment. Or write an ignorant blog post about how you can’t stand hearing about gifted kids. I have given up so much of my life for my son. Career is toast. Savings are slim. Sanity is gone. Homeschooling the only option for a kid who was going down for the third time in public school. And I would do it again and again and GODDAMMIT AGAIN.
Linda Silverman, the incredible woman at the helm of the Gifted Development Center in Denver (yes, where we had A tested), had these words to say about giftedness:
“Giftedness is not what you do or how hard you work. It is who you are. You think differently. You experience life intensely. You care about injustice. You seek meaning. You appreciate and strive for the exquisite. You are painfully sensitive. You are extremely complex. You cherish integrity. Your truth-telling has gotten you in trouble. Should 98% of the population find you odd, seek the company of those who love you just the way you are. You are not broken. You do not need to be fixed. You are utterly fascinating. Trust yourself!”
Yes. Trust yourself. And not some blogger who doesn’t know better.
258 Responses to “I DON’T brag about my gifted kid”
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I think the author of this article did not get the point of the article “I hate hearing about your gifted child”. It was not about gifted children or their parents, it was about one mom’s frustrations with her own hopes and dreams that did not come true.
It is difficult with any type of child gifted and average and below average.
So let’s be civil about it….
Hm. I’ve read every comment to my post, and I don’t think there was a single one that was not civil. Frustrated, exhausted, sick of screaming into the wind to get what their children need, but not a comment that was not civil. And while I agree that raising any kid is difficult, you really think that raising a kid with developmental disabilities is not more difficult than a “normal” kid? Now imagine a kid who is on the opposite side of the bell curve center. Now it’s a different kind of difficult plus society wondering why you think you have such problems, because “your kid is gifted.”
I also had an issue with the word “hate.” Not needed when talking about any kind of kid, gifted or not.
Finally, while you are correct about the original author’s frustrations, the undercurrent of the post was that she didn’t want to hear anything about our kids because they made her uncomfortable with herself. So what a lot of people took from her post was that the parents of gifted kids should never speak of their children so as to not make someone else uncomfortable. Not brag, but just not speak of them, for general small talk about the accomplishments of their kids could be interpreted as bragging, when it’s just talking about your kid.
This is why parents of gifted and twice-exceptional children feel so alone.
I’m thinking it’s pretty obvious that Luda either doesn’t have a “G” child and/or she doesn’t even know one…especially one that’s “2e”.
I read your article and totally got it. It sang to me, hugged me, and let me know that I’m not alone in the mommy world. I read the other article and it felt like someone was trying to take my kid apart, brick by brick, in order to make themselves feel better about their child(ren). Why do we do that? Why do we feel it necessary to constantly compare ourselves to others? And we don’t stop with ourselves; we compare what we have, where we live, what we drive, our children. STOP already.
We’ve become one of the least tolerant societies in the history of the world. And our school systems are perfect examples of that. If your child doesn’t fit neatly into their one-size-fits-all box, then they must “fix” your child. Heaven help you if your child falls outside that box in 2 or more areas. Suddenly, it isn’t about the child having a difference, it’s about your parenting skills. Folks start to see you as a helicopter parent or some other overused label.
I HATE the “G” word. Yes, I said hate and meant it. We knew our daughter was different pretty early on and those differences just kept getting stronger. I’ll spare you the litany of oddities; let’s just say we knew we had to see someone to find out what was going on. We feared lots of current ‘hot’ diagnoses we read about and see splashed across our tv screens, but none of them really fit her. We took her to one of those ‘end-all, be-all’ places for testing and their results told us that she wasn’t “on the spectrum”; she was “G”.
My first reaction was some relief but then it was quickly followed by panic. I knew she wasn’t Mozart, Einstein, nor a prodigy of any sort. Yeah, she was ‘bright’ but “G”?? I just didn’t see it. Then I began visiting the websites that the testing facility gave me, reading the books they recommended, and looked at my daughter through the eyes of others. SH*T. It wasn’t all warm fuzzies and joyous anticipation of future Nobel prizes. It was social awkwardness to the point that many “G” kids end up committing suicide because they can’t find a coping mechanism for dealing with the bullying, the addictions, the depression, the anxiety, the lack of ‘normalness’ that allows most of society to float through life unscathed. It was dark, scary, and more than a little nerve-grating to read what trials and tribulations were waiting for our “G” child as she aged. I cried. I cried alot. I still cry.
My “G” child will never be a cheerleader, she’ll never be the homecoming queen or ‘most popular’, she’ll never find that perfect sorority, nor will she glide effortlessly through the corporate world. She’ll be lucky if she dates. Her life is not as charmed as that writer wants her readers to believe.
That article was bad enough, but it was the reader’s comments that really got me crushed. Reading through them, I could only see the words of people who are somehow threatened by the fact that, for some uncontrollable reason, my 4yo could read at a 6th grade level or could name every major bone & organ before she was 5yo. So what if she can do those things. How does that demean their child? I always find myself trying to head off any walls of resentment by pointing out that whilst my child can do those things, their child(ren) can run a straight line, balance, hold a conversation on Hello Kitty with other toddlers, or laugh at a Disney movie instead of getting freaked out because the dramatic music tells their brain that something ominous is about to happen.
It’s about a system of checks and balances, folks. I don’t know too many kids who are perfect at anything let alone everything. Can’t we just learn to love our kids for what they can do, help with what they can’t, and let them be who they need to be? Has it occurred to anyone out there that the need for Xanax and its ilk has multiplied zillion-fold in this world because we, as a society, have lost our tolerance of what’s different? If the world could accept us as we are, who’d need a damned pill?
Not all gifted children commit suicide, it may cross their mind and they may contemplate it even for a while, but many make it past that and make friendships and live life. Don’t give up on your child being happy because he or she is gifted. They will need your support especially in the social arena, but they can do well in life.
Hey Jen,
You can join me and my 2E kid with your wine anytime!
I have two kids– one highly gifted, one with severe LDs. Trust me, the gifted is MUCH easier.
My daughter gets grade-advanced here, grade-advanced there. She gets awards and citations for stuff she’s barely spent any time on. Heck, last year she beat out 500 kids to win the school geography bee and she had never taken a geography class or read a geography book. She doesn’t even particularly LIKE geography– and yet she got a special citation at the school board meeting and a big write-up in the local paper.
Then there’s her little brother. Even in kindergarten he knew that school was very easy for some kids– and much much harder for others like him. He’s even come up with a term for the kids for whom school is easy– he calls them “the golden children.” He sees where teachers praise and fete “the golden children” and they get to do things like design roller coasters and write plays. Meanwhile he is trundled off to the low reading group to read one paragraph over and over and to fill out more and more worksheets.
Maybe that’s where the Babycenter poster was coming from. She sees “your gifted child” as one of the golden children, one of the kids who (let’s face it) doesn’t have to work very hard to achieve at grade level. Meanwhile her child is knocking herself out every day.
She’s not saying gifted kids don’t have issues. She’s just saying that from her side of the fence, those issues seem kinda minor.
Every child is different. We have two gifted kids. One is a straight A student, a brilliant performer, almost 100% compliant with grown ups, and the most popular kid in his class. The other has climbed the walls of public school for three years. She’s been sent for testing for everything under the sun and come back negative for all but gifted and sensory integration disorder. We’ve been offered sedatives for school. Not ritalin, sedatives. (Declined, tyvm!) Now we’re home schooling her until our three-year fight with the school board either results in her being skipped one or two grades or our putting our retirement savings into a private school who will skip her, because the unaccommodated needs will eventually destroy her mental health.
Meanwhile my own doctorate is a distant memory as is my career.
I also have a dependent adult sister (classic autism.) Yes, in comparison, okay, my daughter doesn’t bolt into traffic or self-harm to that degree (she nail bites, shirt chews, and hair chews), but otherwise the intensity of caregiving has been similar. (My sister was also home schooled.) So, yes, you do get these high-achievers who are ‘teacher pleasers’, but you also get gifted kids who everyone swears have autism when they don’t because the challenges are that intense. Right now over here we have one of each.
“…but you also get gifted kids who everyone swears have autism when they don’t because the challenges are that intense.” Erika … I teared up reading that!!! Oh my … that someone else knows what i feel. Shirt chewing, nail biting, hair chewing … I only recently found out my child is highly gifted. We have struggled with her issues for years without knowing. I’ve had to pull her out of school for homeschool. Love her to bits but oh my, SO SO SO exhausting. Sure the intellectual stuff she gets but all other life skills? social skills? The most BASIC of things? I have to break it down and explain to her and role play with her, over and over and over, and while all this is going on, the 100s of times a day I am going please do NOT touch that, do NOT eat that, do NOT bite that…..
Hi! I’m teary-eyed as I read some of the comments here. I can relate with some of you. I also have a gifted child who I’m trying very hard to understand. That’s what led me to giftedhomeschoolers.org and this post. I’ve also had my share of people who labeled me as bragging when I share what my kid is currently up to. Hey, didn’t you ask? I wanted to say. As Linda Silverman said, “It’s not about what you have achieved. It’s who you are.” My son is gifted. What he has been doing are facts when I’m asked to share about them. Definitely not bragging about them. I guess they do not really know how challenging it is to care and parent a gifted child that’s why they think parents of gifted children are bragging. Anyway, I’m happy and feel blessed today to have discovered parents of other gifted children.
I love Linda Silverman. She speaks truth.
It is who you are. Gifted is. Full stop. I still don’t brag…talk about…my son’s accomplishments. I save it for people who get it.
Many of us would prefer that school not be so easy for our children. We have been outvoted by those who prefer that no child get ahead of theirs as opposed to providing an appropriate education for all. It won’t be a problem for her in the future though…many of the gifted homeschool as her kind have dumbed school down to headbanging level…and that is not acceptable to the parents. It’s a bit of sick joke..the classroom is marketed as inclusive, but the needs of the kids on the right hand side of the curve are never included in the daily instruction.
This blog post is so awesome. There is someone else out there who gets it! You nailed it on the head- event the code words between gifted parents. Your post has given me more courage about being open about having a gifted kid and what it is like. Thanks!
Code words have saved me oodles of embarrassment. I can only blush so many times before my face stays that way.
One I run into and use a lot is, “He has some . . . behaviour.”
Good code words.
[...] isn’t accurate. I am not telling you this to brag in fact I agree very much with what this blogger wrote. Thoughts on that post, other recent articles, my experiences and my son’s experiences have [...]
Never, EVER, have I felt more of a sense of community than I have over the past two days reading your blog post and all the responses! “Gifted” is a term I have always struggled with because after all, I was smart growing up and yet no one ever described me as gifted or put me in special programs. I now have three children and am only just now beginning to understand that, especially in the case of DS9, it goes so much deeper than intelligence. It’s too bad that we are stuck with such a misnomer which conjures up so many negative opinions. As a family physician, I truly feel that giftedness falls on the outer periphery of autism spectrum disorders….there are so many similarities. I just wish there were a better descriptor when I try to explain to people why my son acts the way he does. Just a couple of days ago I looked wistfully at a family in the store whose children were all standing obediently and quietly right next to the cart while their mother shopped. What would that be like? I always feel like such a bad parent when mine are tearing up and down the aisles. It’s taken me a long time to realize that DH and I really are doing a pretty good job of hanging on for dear life in the “fast lane.” Anyway, I’m rambling. I just feel so lucky to have an online community to turn to and remind me that I really don’t have normal kids. My older sister has a 2e son who is now 22 and we, her family, were so critical of her back then, and there was no internet family to turn to. Now I hear myself echoing the same words she was saying, when I talk about my son. I have since apologized to her, and you know what? She’s the only one in my family who “gets it.”
You’ve found your tribe.
And that you have your sister is wonderful, because she’s been there and knows exactly what you’re going through. Being a family physician, you’re in an enviable position in that people might actually believe you when you explain what gifted really is. Or not; sadly people are pretty entrenched in their beliefs and hate having them challenged. So glad you commented.
Okay, talk about code words. I’m just tearing up because I was thinking “oh wow, I found my tribe!” WOW. For once I’m at a loss for words.
I love the word tribe.
Once you find yours, it’s totally like coming home.
I think all parents should be proud and brag about their kids. I’ll tell you the latest accomplishment from my DS: he broke the conference record for eating the most pancakes on the pancake boat (a yearly sports outing). He set ihis mind to it, i think the day before, and did it with ease. This is even easier for me to brag about because he is skinny as a rail (lucky bugger). He was recognized in the awards ceremony and received the gluttony award – no kidding!
Most people, other than wishing they could eat anything without care, find this light-harted. It is an ‘acceptable story’. When I worry about him not being challenged, that I can’t find books in the library ‘at his level’ (requirement of reading in school), or some other thing related to academics I know many see it as a form of bragging. In reality I am just trying to share my care, worries, etc. Please, when someone shares look at it a second time. Is the problem their bragging (sometimes) or your jealousy or disappointment (sometimes). I believe both are misplaced. Life is a marathon, not a race. Worrying about milestones as they grow is only helpful from the standpoint of ‘is it all going well’.
Like many, I hate the word gifted. Raising any child whose needs fall outside of average (normal, typical,in the majority, mainstream) comes with challenges. It would be great if people could understand and sympthize. If your daughter is kind but not gifted…well lucky you! Her needs are being met and life is good.
For those who need to brag I will share what I tell my kids. ” If you’re really good, you don’t need to tell anybody about it because it will be obvious to all. Micheal Jordan doesn’t need to tell anybody how well he can play basketball.”. (okay, you may need to choose a different analogy as younger kids may say Michael who).
[...] been the subject of family jokes. I recently read an entry in the blog Laughing at Chaos called, I DON’T brag about my gifted kid where Jen wrote about her struggles when she encounters folks essentially “not in the know” [...]
I just stumbled upon your blog for the first time & I like your writing style. It’s very authentic. I’ll be back!
What a great reply. My grandson is 2e or however it is classified. What a truly loving boy that has been very blessed with parents that have been able to support and “get”him. Has it been easy no! My daughter has also been very lucky that she has a mom that is her biggest supporter and sounding board. Yes she stills drinks wine at the end of the day. Gramps is proud of his grandson and the whole family. Yes I have 2 siblings that understand the situation and love to have me tell stories about my special needs grandson without thinking I am bragging! I am so happy and only wish him the very best whatever it my be. In the meantime, his being difficult is really a blessing to me because he is so special and interesting. Keep up the good fight and I will continue to “brag, brag, brag” the same way as if he was Michael Jorden.
Your daughter is VERY lucky to have you. These kids are tough enough!
And I think a Wine of the Month club membership should accompany any 2e diagnosis.
just stumbled on to you and find your postings thoughtful, thought out and true to the core. i just joined the diagnosed end of this madness and am now royally ticked at public schools and their inability to teach my child. they have all these programs and empathy for children with behavioral, emotional or physical ails but if any of them stem from giftedness, look out! no soup for you! can’t wait to see what else you say that i have also thought.
Snicker…no soup for you!
Well put.
Um, I just went back to look at that original post again – and why didn’t I see that HORRIFIC gifted sign graphic before? Either they are talking gifted in ways that moms are NOT really bragging about on the playground or they are implying that gifted kids have a third leg? WTF?
I…don’t remember seeing that before. That IS a horrific graphic (unless, of course, you’re channeling your inner 12 year old boy, but that’s another story). That’s using gifted as snarky sarcasm. Sigh…
[...] child. Jen writes at Laughing at Chaos, which I read from time to time. Her post, “I DON’T brag about my gifted child,” was heated, filled with all the passion of the challenges that come from living with a [...]
[...] about her perception of gifted kids and their parents. After I picked my jaw up off the floor, I fired off a passionate response. And my little piece of the interwebz exploded. The frustration, the pain, the deep need for [...]
[...] two weeks ago, giftedness turned into a lightning rod. There was this post on Babycenter. Then, this post and this post responding to it. And, it seemed, I didn’t have much to add to that growing din [...]
This post.. is the most all inclusive post I’ve ever found regarding what it’s like to parent gifted children. We honestly.. HONESTLY.. just thought it was us that stopped and stared at those perfect children who aren’t questioning constantly, who don’t buck the system in every way, shape and form, and just, in general, don’t seem to fit. It’s heart wrenching when you can’t have your child challenged. I’m never bragging, or trying to make anyone feel bad. I just want someone as concerned about my kid as I am. It’s honestly one of those things that hits you like a ton of bricks, and you carry around every day, wondering if you’re a bit crazy and if every kid is like this, and then you meet someone else’s kids, and wonder ” ..did I maybe do something wrong?” Gifted children experience EVERYTHING so intensely, that sometimes even a slight deviation in plans can send the child into what we call in our house ‘mind-knots.’ Just… yes. Yes.
“Mind-knots.” BEST way I’ve heard to describe it. Of course, now I’m thinking of pretzels, and how much I’d love to have a salty soft pretzel with mustard, but they’re not gluten free and that makes me sad and now I’m in my own mind-knot.
I have bad days/weeks/monthofFebruary where I deeply envy “normal.” Not that normal is all that great shakes, but sometimes…yeah…
Thank you, thank you, and thank you again for working so hard to help your exceptional child with all his exceptional abilities and needs. I was that 2e gifted kid that students, parents, and even my teachers came to hate. Unless someone has been that child or raised that child they have no idea how agonizing it is to cram an octagon mind into a triangle hole. I could no more control the connections my mind made than my peers could control the fact that their minds made no such connections, but still it was somehow my fault that I began independently studying calculus at age 8 and couldn’t remember my homework assignments from that day. 2e was not term my mother knew when I was the difficult, exhausting, and advanced child that just couldn’t fit in, and she was at a loss at what to do. It is wonderful that your child has somebody by his side who understands that his “gift” comes with extraordinary struggles and difficulty. That understanding alone will do more to help him through the rough days than all the analysis and strategies in the world.
It hurts that so many 2e kids suffer, thinking it’s THEIR fault for how they think. Wiring. Just wiring.
I think this is a great post; however, it would have served everyone better if the swearing was left out. Frankly, it’s a distraction. Debates are articulated far better when we leave out the foul language, as it makes a person sound bitter and emotional, rather than objective in their opinion. I found myself conflicted, even though I agreed with your points on several occasions. Minus the bad stuff and the conflict goes away and we are on total agreement! Keep blogging on this…..but please clean it up so we hear your very valid points much clear!
I am saddened reading about the kids whose schools cannot provide for their gifted needs. I am so blessed that my neighborhood middle school happens to be a gifted center. While my son is still bullied, he has a peer group and many friends. He has had the same teachers for two years and they understand him and challenge him. And I have a whole group of parents with whom I can relate and we do not have to speak in code. I once was not in favor of gifted programs but I am now a strong advocate.
I’m envious of your school. Our previous school, back in CO, was similar to yours in that it was our neighborhood school as well as a GT focus school. My son did much better there. The IL school he attended briefly was such a poor fit that he’s now homeschooled. It’s a better situation, but I still miss the school he had last year.
Thank you and the commenters on your blog post. Its great to feel surrounded by parents who are going through similar situations. Having a child who is different, is an incredibly isolating experience that is only heightened by people’s lack of understanding. Like many parents who have commented, I have the gifted child who does not succeed in school and follow orders easily. He’s not the nice compliant one. He’s the kid wandering around the class. He’s the thorn in the teacher’s side. After much searching, testing and reading we found out what the ‘problem’ was. Whe we brought the information to his new school (he was expelled from the private kindergarten)so that he could get an IEP, they exclaimed “these IQ scores are very high, he should have no problem”. The lack of understanding and support cannot be understated. Because homeschooling is not an option for us, we are sending him to a school for kids who have social and communication issues (mostly Aspergers). However it doesnt address his need for a peer group but its what we have for the moment. So if I say my kid is ‘gifted’, Im not bragging, its a descriptive that encompasses a host of issues. Be sympathetic!
I’m so sympathetic. We’re homeschooling because it’s the absolute best thing for our son, but it’s not always the best thing overall. I’d much rather have him in a school that could provide what he needs. If I think about it too long I get so angry, that our kids suffer because of others’ misperceptions of them.
Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!! I am the mother of a news (officially) diagnosed highly gifted daughter (5). The battles with the school to challenge her so that she will actually enjoy going and I won’t have to hear her sob and beg to stay home have literally broken me this year! I turned to those that I thought were my friends and received nothing but nasty condescending comments. It is only kindy get over it, you need to tell her to suck it up, if she is gifted life will be so easy… you get the idea. I have been struggling to find support, help, guidance, comradery. It is sooo amazing to see that others do in fact get it and I have not lost my mind!
Yeah, the “tell her to suck it up” comments are my favorite. Sigh. You’re not alone, not by a long shot.
It’s nice to be able to read about others with gifted kids and that we are not alone. We have a 5 year old that from the beginning we believed he was different.
His Kindergarden teacher recently pointed out all of the same things that we’ve seen for years. We are now at a crossroads with what to do. He has not been tested, but we have been told that in order for the schools to act accordingly we have to.
I also hate the word gifted, to me it’s a label and I hate labels, but I think I’ll have to get over it.
How did everyone go about getting the kids tested?
We took our son to the Gifted Development Center in Denver. Worth every penny. We learned what we were up against and could formulate a plan. I don’t regret testing in the slightest.
I loved this post. So funny and heartwarming. I can totally relate because my two oh-my-effing-God exhausting kids (4 and 6) are about to break me. I didn’t want to think my kids were gifted because people laugh and snear and get angry at that label. (I can’t even tell people I was in the gifted program in high school because they think I’m some kind of jerk and bragging.) But my son, now 4, was talking in long complex sentences by around 10 months and has been dismantling our formerly lovely house since the moment he escaped his bouncy chair. My daugher was multiplying in her head before K and did all sorts of things other children never did (like beg me to turn off “sad” music because it would make her weep and describing her birth very accurately – which I never told her about – and asking how the universe got here, etc..). She was unchallenged in math at her Montessori kindergarten, so I took her to the Johns Hopkins Center for Talented Youth (CTY), who administered the KeyMath test and determined that she has “advanced math knowledge” and basically needed to be in 3rd grade math. I just signed her up to take an online course in accelerated 3rd grade math at CTY. The course is 3 months long but self-paced so that she can finish early and start 4th grade if she wants to. I hear great things about their programs and courses. Its expensive though. My daughter also reads way above grade level but the Montessori school has really nurtured that in her, so I don’t feel any action on my part is warranted other than making sure she has access to plenty of books at her level.
Thanks for letting me ramble on. I’d compose a more organized post but I’m too darn pooped.
I know that level of pooped. I have a couch there. And a table. And very likely a glass of wine.
[...] bell curve, and it needs to include kids who may flirt with the left hand side of the curve too. Talking about our kids isn’t bragging, it’s talking about our kids. So I want to support parents, give them the strength to not [...]
[...] so tired of this. I’m tired of being accused of bad parenting, of elitism, of bragging. I’m tired of being on high alert all the time, of putting my life and what’s left of [...]
I’ve just discovered your blog posts and wanted to say a massive Thank You – I was virtually in tears from relief at not having to feel so alone anymore as the parent of a gifted child!
Yesterday I came under a jealous attack (completely unprovoked) from a person I know who clearly has a chip on her shoulder about her own children and parenting choices and it completely derailed me emotionally. It took me right back to my own school years of being bullied by peers and called ‘weird’ for not fitting in, for speaking the truth about things, from caring too much about horrible things happening in our world, from coming out with ideas others found strange and couldn’t understand, etc.
I don’t brag about my son’s giftedness either and I firmly believe that a) all children should be allowed to receive education to live up to their best abilities, WHATEVER they may be; and b) how a parent needs/wishes to educate their child should be their own private, family choice first in conjunction with the education system, not the whole world’s decision. If my son was good at sport or arts, for example, exceptionally good at swimming or perhaps at drama, I’d be looking to help him increase his prospects in life that way if his interest and happiness lay in those instead of being good academically. I’m sure most good parents would want to help their child in whatever area they’re best at and have good prospects in for happiness and future accomplishment. I see no reason why academic giftedness should be seen any differently, though it clearly is!
Well, this person had asked about my son’s current schooling and made a snap judgement about my future ideas for him based on my response. She had a full-on go at me for how I parent my child and my schooling interests for him, without any understanding whatsoever of his needs. When I then explained why he ideally needed a school with provision to stretch him mathematically due it being his ‘forte’ (my ‘code word’ for his gift – I already didn’t want to upset her by using that word, but clearly she was determined to be anyway), she then said ‘oh, all children are called gifted at this level, it doesn’t mean anything’. I do realise this can be the case in some schools, but when I then stated that no, he was indeed genuinely gifted in maths, she accused me of pushing him, of not allowing him the time to play and simply be a child (by the way, he gets PLENTY of free time to just play and he has an extremely active imagination) and me of being a ‘driven’ person (I never used to be, although I was always a perfectionist, but this ‘drive’ I have now is personal, not related to my son and his gift, and is purely due to being made a single parent and left without a home, job or any income at the time it occurred, so yes, I am ‘driven’ to secure a good future for myself and my son!).
I was completely thrown by what I consider to be an aggressive attack when this woman actually has no idea how my son and I live our lives (we are not friends, only live nearby). I would never DREAM of ever telling another parent how to parent their child, what’s in their best interests, etc. and this woman’s treatment left me staggered. I felt upset and also very, very angry. In a conversation today with friends I said for the first time that I will not ever feel the need again to apologise for my son being gifted. If someone has a learning disability, people are sympathetic and help is forthcoming. If your child is gifted, however, no one wants to know. I do understand it’s a sensitive area because people tend to feel ‘less than’ in comparison, but I think this is tragic, because ultimately every single person on this planet is unique and that alone is cause for celebration and specialness. Why parents have to attack each other over this is ridiculous and sad. Having said that, this woman did mention how many competitive parents she’s had to deal with at her children’s school and I do have sympathy with her on that, because that is horrible. Why she then feels though that she needs to take things out on me….. Anyway, sorry for the long post, but it’s a massive relief for me to have found your posts. Thank you again.
Hi again, just to say in follow up that, karma being what it is, the woman I posted about earlier has just kindly given me some helpful school info about the place I was considering for my son, so don’t I now feel like a terrible person..??? Obviously she had a think about things following our conversation. I never wanted to fall out with her in the first place, so I’m really pleased things have turned out for the better for us – just wish it had happened before I burdened you all with the rant above, lol! And I feel very bad having said anything..
Anyway, I still really appreciate having discovered your blog and I feel a lot better knowing about the understanding community of gifted parents out there…. Happy child-raising
LOL! Well, I was going to reply, but you beat me to it.
I suspect that woman realized she had a tasty foot-in-mouth moment and backtracked as fast as she could. That said, never ever apologize for having a gifted child, or you might as well apologize for his eye color. We’re here for you, babe. 
Thanks Jen
[...] announced to the world that I don’t brag about my gifted kid (though I am damned proud of him), and it blew up my blog. That was something I did [...]
[...] is between talking and bragging. I am reminded of something I read online. This is a quote from http://laughingatchaos.com/2012/02/01/i-dont-brag-about-my-gifted-kid/: Finally, while you are correct about the original author’s frustrations, the undercurrent of the [...]
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I just found your post, but I wanted to say thank you. I never prayed for a gifted child. I prayed for a healthy one. (Funny how it seems that these parents who pray for gifted children don’t get them…)
My son is “gifted,” but he also has a moderate language delay. I don’t “brag” about his “gifted-ness.” It’s not a parlor trick. I never made him study. It’s just something he does/has. It’s who he is and I never run around touting his accomplishments because I don’t see it as something “extra” he has. It’s just who he is.
But yes, when I see his cousin who is the same age having full on conversations, telling wild stories of things she did over the weekend… It’s hard and it makes me want to cry. My son has come so far with his language in the past year. So far and I’m so proud of him! But I still have dreams at night that he’s talking to me, explaining what’s going on in his head.
Sometimes I do wish he was “normal,” but only for the fact that I want him to be happy. And I know that the road ahead won’t always be easy. A three year old shouldn’t feel like a failure because of the expectations they hold themselves too. But harder still is that with his language delay, he can’t verbalize how he’s feeling. He get’s even more frustrated. And even more still, I’m not sure if he understands what I’m explaining.
When you tell your two-and-a-half year old that it was a good try, and he get’s upset with you because he, essentially, feels you are patronizing him because he knows he didn’t succeed at the task… It’s hard. It’s hard for everyone involved.
This Joyce woman may not feel like her child is special enough. But it’s not all rainbows, sunshine, and intricate original piano music over here. She should feel blessed that her and her daughter are on the same page. There are times when I can not relate to my son. And one of my fears is that those little gaps will only get wider as he grows older.
I love my son, and I think he is wonderful. Very few people, even some family members, know what we’ve been through this past year with getting him started in his therapies and being evaluated (which let me tell you, some of them were very, very bad experiences!). We are just trying to figure out the best way to help our son, because we could tell he was a little different. I want to make sure *I* know the best way to teach him things, a way that he will understand. And we have these “specialists” telling us that our son is mentally retarded and will never understand the world around him. But that’s a whole other topic…
Anyway… No one wants their child to struggle. Gifted doesn’t mean life is easy, quite the opposite. Gifted doesn’t mean better/smarter. Delayed/Special Needs doesn’t mean worse/stupid. It’s just who we are, who we are compared to a universal measuring stick that the majority just happens to fall in line with. When you get right down to it, it’s all arbitrary anyway.
Amen, Heather. If you don’t live it, you don’t get it.