Fall fell

When the world around you is drowning or burning or looking up at the sky waiting for aliens, it’s mighty tough to write something with a touch of snark or any level of complaint. There are far too many others out there drowning or burning or tumbling down the boulevard like a tumbleweed or enduring an alien anal probe. So I shall attempt to make only observations.

Fall fell this week.

Usually in the Chicago metro area (in which I include myself out of habit and not necessarily geography) summer blazes on until after Labor Day. Growing up, there were so, so many Back to School outfits that I couldn’t wear until the end of the month, because to do so would be to sentence myself to several hours of fashion flop sweat. Summer would blaze on until there was that one chillier morning…and then we’d have a couple weeks of Indian Summer (no, not the apple juice, the weather pattern) before OFFICIAL AUTUMN draped itself around our psyches.

This year? Fall fell.

It fell not with a bang or a smack, but with a gentle thwump. For my vegetarian and vegan readers, it’s not unlike the thwump you’d hear if you were preparing a perfectly juicy steak and turned it over to season the other side. thwump Soft but with some firmness. Fresh. A good marbling. And now I want a steak for dinner. With the sautéed mushrooms I do so perfectly, and roasted asparagus, and a really complex bottle of red. Creme brûlée for dessert. A comedy on the telly, all with my favorite husband.

I digress.

Fall unexpectedly showed up at our doorstep, shoving summer off the stoop last weekend, as though to say, “Yo bitch, it’s Labor Day, you had your day in the sun, it’s my turn now, get outta here, don’t let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya!” No Indian Summer (I don’t think I’ve ever even had that apple juice), no fashion flop sweat (but let’s face it, no fashion…I’m a mess…someone please sign me up for What Not To Wear, or whatever has taken its place), BRACE YOURSELF…AUTUMN HAS ARRIVED.

The sunlight is more golden, the leaves aren’t waiting to change, they’re just whipping off the green and slipping into something a little more copper, days are cool enough that windows are open barely a crack, and I have brought Perry the Parabolic Heater up from the basement. That’s a good couple of weeks early. The electric blanket will return to the marital bed tomorrow, after the weekly wash all the things that have touched naked skin!…aka, sheets and towels.

I really do try to love autumn, and have found joy and beauty in October. The colors, the warm sun but cool temps, the faint aroma of suburban fire pits.

BUT A MONTH EARLY?

My friends, as the west burns and the south drowns and the rest of us endure yet another anal probe, I have to wonder what climate change will bring to Chicago’s winter this year.

NOTE: If you think climate change is a myth, then I reserve the right to laugh, point, and think you’re a moron. If you think the Flat Earth people are spot-on, not only do I reserve the right to laugh, point, and think you’re a moron, I also reserve the right to mock you to your face. JFC it’s called science. Read some.

I digress once again.

Winter of 13-14 was the WINTER OF THE POLAR VORTEX MY GOD SAVE YOURSELVES BUT PLEASE TAKE ME WITH YOU BECAUSE I CANNOT HANDLE ANOTHER F*CKING MINUTE OF THIS WINTER. It’s also the winter I threatened my beloved husband with a shovel bodily harm if he didn’t go and purchase a snowblower right this very minute because I had HAD it with shoveling. I am concerned that winter 17-18 may be heavy on the cold and snow once again, especially since last winter was blessedly mild. If autumn decided to jump the gun and visit early…will winter show up early to the party and demand appetizers? An amuse bouche? An aperitif? I draw the line at giving winter any booze; that’s for me to survive winter’s visit, I’ll be damned if I share. Winter is bad enough; winter on one of my margaritas and I refuse to take responsibility for what it does.

So as I sit here in my unexpectedly early autumn, watching the west burn and the south drown and victims of alien probes beg for quality lube…just remember to find the silver linings at what you can, help your neighbor, laugh at climate change deniers (and then vote for candidates who believe in science), and be grateful that raking leaves burns untold number of calories. For then you can have a summer margarita whilst toasting yourself over your autumn fire pit.