{GHF blog hop} You must be 21 to read this post

I’ve joked for years that parents with a gifted or twice-exceptional child in their care need their own private vineyard. I’ve also been heard to comment that wine should come out of a third tap on the kitchen sink. And I may have, once or twice, indicated that my roundtables on 2e for the Chicago Gifted Community Center would include cocktail recipes.

It is time to share those cocktail recipes.

Today’s GHF blog hop is on tips and tricks for parents of G2e kids. Frankly I don’t think I have a single damned trick or tip, but I do think I can match a cocktail to a situation and come out the winner. This totally makes me sound like a raging alcoholic, which I am not; let’s just call me a mixologist for the desperate parent.

The Malbectini: One large glass of Malbec, filled to the brim, garnished with your choice of a brownie or double chocolate chip cookie. Comes with the remote and quiet time to watch trash TV. Ideal for the days that seem to never end.

The All-Nighter: For those nights when the kid.just.won’t.go.the.fuck.to.sleep. For you, a pot of black coffee and a full bottle of Bailey’s Irish Cream; mix to your desired shade of pale beige. For your drinking partner that evening the child in your life, a shot of Benadryl, a roll of duct tape, and a screwdriver to remove the kid’s bedroom doorknobs.

The Meltdown: My twist on the traditional Manhattan (from my mama’s recipe). Fill a cocktail shaker with ice. Add 2 parts Southern Comfort, 1 part Sweet Vermouth, a little dribble of maraschino cherry juice, and a few splashes of your bitters of choice. Over the sink (ask me how I learned this little tidbit) shake the absolute bejesus hell out of that cocktail shaker. Release your frustrations. Feel the stress of the day melt away as you give yourself a little upper body workout. Pour into a mason jar over a couple maraschino cherries. Variation I – double the amounts. That’s called The Losing Your Shit. Variation II – Use 100 proof SoCo. That’s called How Jen Survived Moving in 2011.

The Raving Lunatic: Once you’ve survived your first school intervention meeting, you will want a drink or three. Why not one that includes healthy vegetable juice and satisfies your bloodlust thirst for a strong adult beverage? Find someone to make these for you, for with the ranting and raving and wild gesticulating you won’t be safe in the kitchen. Some V-8, lemon juice, gin or vodka (your choice, I’m a gin gal), Worcestershire Sauce, celery salt…ratios are up to you. Garnish with whatever you like, provided the garnish stick cannot be used as a weapon. Variation – The Warpath:  Use pepper vodka and double the amount. In fact, skip all the other ingredients entirely and just do vodka shots. Garnish sticks of all sorts should be far from reach, preferably under lock and key.

The Fukitall: You’ve given up. The kids have broken your brain and/or your spirit and you’re done. But before you strip naked and run down the street, or catch a one-way flight to anywhere, pour yourself a Fukitall. Top-shelf tequila, triple sec, lime juice, ice, salt. Or just the tequila. From the bottle. No judgment. Fukitall, saving parents from running away since the beginning of time.

The Tongue-Biter: When guests inexperienced in twice-exceptional quirks have been visiting and the stress of keeping your mouth shut and not going batshit crazy on them and/or your child has gotten to be a bit much, then it’s time for The Tongue-Biter. Perfect for the morning repast, start the day with your sparkling wine of choice, adding just enough orange juice to hide the fact that your visitors have driven you to drink before 9 am. Spend the day not giving a shit about anything.

With these cocktail recipes, you too can survive parenting, and even homeschooling, a gifted or twice-exceptional child. And that, my friends, is the best tip I can give you.

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Today’s smart-ass blog post was part of May’s Gifted Homeschoolers Forum blog hop, on the topic of tips and tricks for gifted/2e kids. For real tips and tricks, please go check out the other blog hop participants…after you hit the liquor store this afternoon, of course.