The codeword is kumquat

I’ve decided to kumquat go crazy. Really not a difficult decision, as I was already 3/4 of the way there, but just deciding to give in and just go the remainder of the way was freeing. I haven’t felt a mental snap yet, but I’m sure that will occur when I pick the boys up from camp shortly and they begin their post-camp-whinefest about how much they hate it and never want to go back and MINUS SEVEN THOUSAND STARS MOM! I’m considering a full-summer sleepaway camp for the two of them next summer, so I only get one day of that instead of every single afternoon. Plus, I’d be able to complete a thought without the competing thought of shoving dirty socks down their throats for a few minutes of whine-free peace. Bonus, the socks would finally be up off the floor. It’s a great day camp, full of swimming and games and rock-wall climbing and free play and camp stuff; they hate it because they can’t do what they want to do. Well, until there is a Phineas and Ferb-style camp, this is what we got and can afford.

We are t minus 12 days until Back To School. Those are usually my favorite three words in all languages, but not so much this year. For the last six years I’ve been doing the Sweet Baby Zombie Jesus It’s Back To School Time dance. Not familiar with that particular dance step? It’s a hybrid of the mashed potato, the robot, and Elaine from Seinfeld, with just a dash of Burning Man chanting for flavor. I’ve gotten pretty good at it. This year I’m more worried about school and don’t have the heart to kick up my heels. As much as the boys are driving me kumquat crazy, I worry that things will go downhill. We barely survived 3rd grade, 4th grade is scaring me. Plus this year will be the first year we’ll have two kids with homework.

This morning I finally acknowledged that I couldn’t keep living with the level of stress and anxiety and depression that was threatening to drown me. I had an appointment with my doc and we are tweaking my anti-depressants. For the last several months I’ve felt I’ve been one breath from a panic attack, have had a scream lodged in the back of my throat, and am barely hanging on. I have chewed through my nighttime bite guard and am getting a new one this month. The last few weeks have been hard, partly because it’s summer and my biggest stressors are home for the summer and partly because I don’t think the meds I’ve been on for nearly 8 years (time off for good behavior pregnancy) aren’t as effective as they once were. I know I joke about wine getting me through, but there is more than a tinge of truth to every piece of humor. I realized a few weeks ago that when the only way I could get the lodged scream out of my throat was with a glass or three of wine, it was time to look for help. The two biggest metabolism slowers are stress and alcohol; using one to deal with the other has slowed my metabolism to the point that it’s running backwards. While I’m not working out consistently this summer because of schedules, I’m working out more than I have in the last 15 years with little to show for it. I can feel muscles in my arms and don’t get as sore as I used to, but visible results? There are none. Depressing…and it just all cycles upon itself. As stressful as I expect this school year to be, I need to be on my A game, not barely functioning.

So kumquat going a little crazy is hopefully going to help me. I’ll get some help, get my poop in a group, and be better able to take care of my family. If not, you can find me under my desk, rocking fro and to, picking colors for my underwater basket weaving and speaking in tongues.

Kumquat.