What I want for Mother’s Day

It’s National Teachers’ Week here in the States, with Mother’s Day this Sunday. Methinks there should be a homeschooled 12 year old boy catering to my every whim right now, but like many things I find myself a wee bit disappointed in that area. Then I thought, perhaps my whims were unknown! Perhaps I should help out my poor unknowing sons (I’ll include the school-attending son here, as Teachers’ Week is a wash at this point, and there is still hope for The Day of The Mothers), and share my whims! I get a post, they get a clue! So in honor of my twelfth, twelve things I want for Mother’s Day.

1. I want to go a day, a full blessed 24 hours, without hearing the following words: Minecraft, Linux, Ubuntu (really, what the hell?), invention, Raspberry Pi, hack/hacking, code/coding, HTML, Python, Javascript, Java, I’m huuuuuunngry (son #2), I’m not hungry (son #1), not fair!, you idiot!, no, why?, do I hafta?, Club Penguin, Puffle, fart, mung, lolz (said just like it looks), YOLO (please make it stop), it’s not my fault!, but why’s he get to…?, Gangnam Style, Harlem Shake,  and anything that is uttered in a whiny manner.
2. I want Chicago to kindly reverse its current meteorological cranial-rectal inversion. It is May freaking 10th and a whopping 47 degrees, with rain forecast on and off today. I’ve learned in my adult life to never plant anything before Mother’s Day, but for the love of all things holy, I bought hanging plants yesterday at Costco and will have to bring them inside tonight because it’s going to get below 40 degrees. I’m ready to sweat through my underwear. Charming mental image, yes.
3. I want to go six months before I have to see my dentist again. He’s a lovely man, very gentle, but we’ve been seeing entirely too much of each other these last few weeks. My crown is finally on but I still have to go back. The night-guard that was supposed to prevent dental problems like these needs more adjusting, and we’ll probably finally mutually agree to acknowledge the tooth on the other side that likely needs a crown as well. So much for the perfect oral hygiene of which I’ve been so proud these many years. Oh, and my jaw can knock off the pain and spasms too, while we’re at it.
4. I want to experience what I anticipate is the delightful sensation of working through the day and beating a to-do list into submission. I want to be able to shut down my computer and be done with my day earlier than 9:30 at night.  Last night Tom and I watched Skyfall (oh holy hell was it good, and I’m not a fan of Bond movies as a general rule), and I barely knew what to do with myself. I relaxed and then went to bed and actually fell asleep.
5. I want to know what it’s like to wake up in the morning refreshed after a full night’s sleep.
6. I want to complete a thought and a blog post in a reasonable amount of time. See #2…it ain’t May 10th no longer. And I ain’t got no good English neither.
7. I want an entirely clean home for an afternoon. I want to revel in the absence of dust and dog hair, Legos on display and not on the floor, a white porcelain kitchen sink that is so white it could blind you (aside: I will never again have a white porcelain kitchen sink, they never look clean). I want to flit from room to room with a hint of a smile, then cozy up on the couch for a little reading and napping, knowing there is nothing that needs attention.
8. I want my son to eat, gain weight, and grow. I want the pediatrician to take me seriously when I say his lack of growth is a concern. I want to never again see the look in my son’s eyes when a restaurant gives him a kiddie menu, for the under-10 set. I want people to quit thinking the boys are twins. And I want people to quit commenting on it; we’re doing the best we can and we’re tired of feeling like failures.
9. I want to figure out this parenting thing before we send the boys out into the world totally screwed up.
10. I want my van to start like a good little van, and knock off that extended rumble until it catches and is on. I’m sure Tom thinks I’m nuts, but I’ve driven that van nearly every day for the last nine years and the start is longer and sounds different. Van, you gotta get with the program. You may have 129,000 miles on your bones but you gotta make it another 70k or so.
11. I want flowers. Not because it’s a Hallmark holiday or my birthday, but because it’s the Tuesday after a full moon. Or because they looked beautiful. Or because you saw them in someone’s yard, picked them, and ran like hell.
12. I want balance. And peace. And a perfectly made dirty martini with extra large olives.

Hm. I’m not asking for too much this year, am I?