When the zombies come, we’ll all be supper

So are you ready for the zombie apocalypse? The Center for Disease Control wants us to be prepared. This week they released, and I kid you not, a list of preparations for a possible zombie attack. Now, they claim this is a tongue-in-cheek way to get the populace thinking about more common disasters, like hurricanes and earthquakes, but I read The Passage…twice…and I’m not so sure. We all know that a zombie virus usually takes off because someone’s super-secret military plan goes badly awry. I’m sure the CDC is just covering their collective butts, so when the zombies come to eat our brains…BRRAAIIINNNNSSSSS…, they can claim they tried to warn us.

Looking at their list, it’s pretty standard. Change of clothing, extra food and water, copies of important documents. Good luck trying to stockpile prescription medications unless you have a dealer or own a diamond mine. I doubt insurance companies would accept “stockpiling for the zombie apocalypse” as a reason to cover more than one refill a month. Even with all these preparations, chances are good that very few of us would survive long with zombies on the prowl.

I, for one, would likely not last long. Not just because I have beautiful and delectable brains…BRRAAAIIINNNNSSSSS…but because I have somehow evolved (devolved?) into a creature entirely reliant on 21st century technology and comforts. I know I’m not alone in this. Raise your hand if you can make a functional campfire. Keep it up if you can do it without matches. And now if the wood is damp. Hm. Ok, how about this? Raise your hand if you can describe, in detail, the intricacies of Search Engine Optimization. See? We’re all screwed. I can’t start a fire, can’t kill/skin/cook anything, and generally have no survival skills whatsoever. I can find the North Star and know that you never climb a tree when you’re being chased by a bear. Beyond that…um…I’ll be very tasty Zombie Chow. Hopefully everyone else is as yummy when I hunt them down for their brains…BRRAAAIIINNNNSSSSS….

So I’ll just have to hope that one of the whopping two people I know who could survive in the wild will accept my family into their compound. Given that one is my brother, I think my chances are about even. I can keep the stockpiled prescription drugs organized or something. I think I’ll take the summer and maybe start learning a few survival skills with the boys. Knots and compass navigation and emergency first aid, that sort of thing.

‘Cause you can never be too prepared in case of a zombie apocalypse.